HELIXIABRA.COM TERMS OF SERVICE
Thank you for visiting HelixiaBra.com. If you’ve arrived at this page, you’re either shopping for a superior bra, or you simply took a wrong turn on the Internet. Either way, you’re more than welcome to stay as long as you agree to these Terms of Service.
2. For the linguists
Throughout this Agreement, we may use certain words, phrases, gestures, smoke signals, banners, or Morse code, and it is important that you understand the meaning of them. We’ve made a list to help you understand what we’re talking about, but it’s for guidance only and we won’t get all legalistic and try to apply these definitions if they absolutely positively don’t make sense in a certain context:
3. What's a Helixia Bra?
So, you’ve probably gathered by now that we sell bras. But what sets us apart from the others? Well, we sell a sports bra and exercise top that, because of its unique woven construction is able to provide more support and comfort to women who are unsatisfied with existing knit construction sports bras. For competitive reasons, we can’t reveal how we first discovered our cutting-edge technology, but we can say that it involved a lot of hamsters, exercise wheels, and a variety of really tiny bras.
4. Where we set the bar
We here at Helixia Bra have our standards. In order to use our Service, you must meet a number of conditions, including but not limited to:
- You must not be in violation of any embargoes, export controls, or other laws of the United States or other countries having jurisdiction over this Agreement, Helixia Bra, and yourself. For example, if the Office of Foreign Assets Control prohibits conducting financial transactions with nationals, residents, or banks of your country, you must not use our Service. I guess what we’re trying to say is that if you’re in the North Korean Army and you’ve somehow found a military use for our bras, we’re impressed but we won’t sell you them.
- You must be the minimum age required to enter into a contract in the area in which you reside, and, in any event, must not be less than 18 years age.
- You must provide us with personal information, payment information, and other information that we deem necessary to provide you with our Service. Seriously, this is one of the few times where being asked by someone on the Internet for your measurements isn’t creepy.
5. The rules
We’re pretty easy-going, but we do have our standards. If you want to use our Service, you must not:
- Violate the laws of the United States, its states, or any foreign political entity having jurisdiction over this Agreement, whether or not the foreign political entity is a country or a subdivision (such as a state or province) or municipality (such as a city, town, county, or region) of a foreign country. So, if you live in a place with a funny name like Liechtenstein, don’t do anything illegal under that country’s laws like riding a sheep on the wrong side of a city bridge on a Tuesday. If you live in New York, on the other hand, you are probably free to do that and we won’t cancel our Service for you.
- Post or send anything (like if we permit you to post reviews) that is violent, threatening, pornographic, racist, hateful, or otherwise objectionable according to the opinion of Helixia Bra or its delegates. Seriously, we don’t think most people need to be told this, but the social experiment known as the YouTube comments section has let us know that even normal people get carried away when they get on the Internet.
- Commit fraud. Our bras are great quality; please pay us for them instead of submitting billing info for “123 Fake Street.”
- Infringe on anyone’s intellectual property rights, defame anyone, impersonate anyone, or otherwise violate the rights of a third party.
- Hack, crack, phish, SQL inject, or otherwise compromise the security or integrity of the Helixia Bra Site, Service, or its Users’ computers.
- Do anything else which may bring Helixia Bra into disrepute.
6. Paying Up
For orders of five items or less, credit card payment via Authorize.net is acceptable. Larger orders should be made through our contact in Geneva, using Account Number 354973—oh, this is our bra business. Just contact us and arrange payment via cashier’s check or wire transfer.
Unless otherwise stated, all prices are listed in United States dollars. This should be obvious, but ever since some smart-aleck tried to pay us in Monopoly money we’ve had to include this in our Agreement.
THIS IS IMPORTANT: WE MAY NOT ALWAYS BE ABLE TO FILL YOUR ORDER. Sometimes prices and supplies may change or become unavailable, or something else may occur that prevents or delays us from filling your order. If that happens, we are allowed to just refund your payment, and we’ll notify you that we can’t fill the order.
Have you no mercy? Our prices are already low enough! We don’t plan on offering any discounts at this time, but if one is offered, it will generally limited to one per order, though the rules of any given discount program will be made according to the information published on our Site, and if any information is conflicting, the terms most beneficial to Helixia Bra will take effect.
We may refuse to provide such discounts for any reason including, but not limited to, fraud, mistake on the part of our publication of information, actual or expected financial hardship, sale of all or part of our business, or any other reason. This means that if we made a clerical error when making up our discount, you can’t buy a million dollars’ worth of stock for $1 to resell at the flea market and expect us to go through with it. We’ll try to be mathematical geniuses when posting our prices, though, so we hope this won’t be a problem.
8. From us to you
You’re probably wondering about what kind of wizardry we use to actually cause our bras to magically appear on your doorstep.
After receiving your order and payment, we ship the order within five business days. We’d love to be able to ship on a Saturday or a Sunday, but the post office and banks tend to be lazy about that, so we’re stuck shipping during the week.
Free shipping within the United States via the United States Postal Service (known to most as “snail mail”) will occur within 5-7 business days, though possibly longer if the shipping location is remote, or the postal workers are on one of their semi-monthly strikes. Tracking is available via USPS Delivery Confirmation.
International shipping will require additional fees (more mileage means more gas), calculated at the time of the order, and based on USPS International rates.
Under no circumstances will we be responsible for any shipping delays. Please, if your item hasn’t shown up within the expected time, either try contacting the USPS directly, or wait 30 days to contact us since the USPS probably won’t deal with us anyway before that period of time is up.
9. Geting your money back
We don’t anticipate that you’ll want a refund since our bras are so awesome. However, we do offer a sixty days full refund for unworn items (tag still attached) for either replacement with the correct item if there is a sizing issue, or a cash refund if you’re unsatisfied with the product. Contact us if you’ve decided to go for a refund, and we will e-mail you a link to a printable shipping label, and refund or replace your item within five business days (not including shipping time) after we receive the returned item.
10. Please don't scam us
One of the consequences of doing business with people we don’t know is that sometimes, strangers don’t mind conducting a “chargeback” on their credit card and keeping the stuff we sell them. If we were their Aunt Gertie, they’d probably feel pretty bad about it, but because we’re just some people they’ve never met, they have no problem getting that extra support while leaving us with the bill.
Though statistics say you’re probably not going to do this to us, they also say that *someone* will, so we have to include this clause. If you conduct a fraudulent chargeback, we will be very angry and do everything legal short of forming an old western posse to hunt you down. This means that we’ll report the matter to the police, refer it to a collections agency and/or attorney, and maybe even tell your mom on you. So, don’t do it.
If you are legitimately displeased with your goods, please follow our refund policy, instead, or if that results in a lot of hair pulling and neither of us is satisfied with the resolution, follow the dispute provisions we have in this Agreement further below.
11. Our content
It’s already the law, but it bears repeating: Please don’t steal our Site’s content and use it to fill your blog because you’re short on ideas for today’s entry. We like that you think our content’s interesting, but we have to preserve our Site’s rankings in search engines. You therefore agree not to copy, distribute, display, disseminate, or otherwise reproduce any of the information on the Site, including product descriptions, without receiving our prior written permission.
“Helixia Bra” is a trademark used by us to uniquely identify our Site, Service, business, and products. You agree not to use this phrase anywhere without our prior written consent. Additionally, you agree not to use our trade dress (which our lawyers assure us is not a piece of clothing), or copy the look and feel of our website or its design, without our prior written consent. You agree that this paragraph goes beyond the governing law on intellectual property law, and includes prohibitions on any competition that violates the provisions of this paragraph, including starting your own bra website or business.
We may revoke our consent for your use of our intellectual property, or any other permission granted to you under this Agreement, at any time. You agree that if we so request, you must take immediate action to remove any usage of our intellectual property that you may have engaged in, even if it would cause a loss to you. This is the Indian Giving clause of the legal world.
14. Copyright & Trademark Infringement (Don't even think about doing it)
We like copyright infringement as little as we like poorly made bras, and we have registered a Copyright Agent with the United States Copyright Office, which lets us process copyright infringement complaints pursuant to the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. If you believe that your copyright has been infringed, please send us a message which contains:
- Your name.
- The name of the party whose copyright has been infringed, if different from your name.
- The name and description of the work that is being infringed.
- The location on our website of the infringing copy.
- A statement that you have a good faith belief that use of the copyrighted work described above is not authorized by the copyright owner (or by a third party who is legally entitled to do so on behalf of the copyright owner) and is not otherwise permitted by law.
- A statement that you swear, under penalty of perjury, that the information contained in this notification is accurate and that you are the copyright owner or have an exclusive right in law to bring infringement proceedings with respect to its use.
You must sign this notification and send it to our Copyright Agent at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Because the notification is sent through the Interwebz rather than snail mail or 80s fax, an electronic signature is acceptable.
Although U.S. law does not provide for a similar procedure for trademark infringement, we recommend that you send us similar information to that above in regards to any allegation of trademark infringement, and we will address it as soon as practicable.
15. Angry voice
WE’RE NOT ANGRY AT YOU, BUT OUR LAWYERS TELL US THAT WE HAVE TO YELL THIS AT YOU. WHY? WE DON’T KNOW, BUT CHANCES ARE IT’S BECAUSE SOME ENGLISH GUYS IN BLACK ROBES AND FUNNY WIGS FLIPPED A COIN FOUR HUNDRED YEARS AGO AND DECIDED THAT ALL-CAPS WAS THE BEST WAY TO GO ON A LEGAL PRINTING PRESS.
WE MAKE NO REPRESENTATIONS OR WARRANTIES AS TO THE MERCHANTABILITY OF OUR SERVICE OR FITNESS FOR ANY PARTICULAR PURPOSE. YOU AGREE THAT YOU ARE RELEASING US FROM ANY LIABILITY THAT WE MAY OTHERWISE HAVE TO YOU IN RELATION TO OR ARISING FROM THIS AGREEMENT OR OUR SERVICES, FOR REASONS INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, FAILURE OF OUR SERVICE, NEGLIGENCE, OR ANY OTHER TORT. TO THE EXTENT THAT APPLICABLE LAW RESTRICTS THIS RELEASE OF LIABILITY, YOU AGREE THAT WE ARE ONLY LIABLE TO YOU FOR THE MINIMUM AMOUNT OF DAMAGES THAT THE LAW RESTRICTS OUR LIABILITY TO, IF SUCH A MINIMUM EXISTS.
YOU AGREE THAT WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE IN ANY WAY FOR DAMAGES CAUSED BY THIRD PARTIES WHO MAY USE OUR SERVICES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO PEOPLE WHO COMMIT INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY INFRINGEMENT, DEFAMATION, TORTIOUS INTERFERENCE WITH ECONOMIC RELATIONS, OR ANY OTHER ACTIONABLE CONDUCT TOWARDS YOU.
WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY FAILURES OF GOODS BEYOND REFUNDING THEM IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR REFUND POLICY.
WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY FAILURE ON THE PART OF A PAYMENT PROCESSOR, INCLUDING A BANK OR CREDIT CARD COMPANY, TO DIRECT PAYMENTS TO THE CORRECT DESTINATION, OR ANY ACTIONS ON THEIR PART IN PLACING A HOLD ON YOUR FUNDS.
WE ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY FAILURE OF THE GOODS OR SERVICES OF OUR COMPANY OR A THIRD PARTY, INCLUDING ANY FAILURES OR DISRUPTIONS, UNTIMELY DELIVERY, SCHEDULED OR UNSCHEDULED, INTENTIONAL OR UNINTENTIONAL, ON OUR WEBSITE WHICH PREVENT ACCESS TO OUR WEBSITE TEMPORARILY OR PERMANENTLY.
THE PROVISION OF OUR SERVICE TO YOU IS CONTINGENT ON YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THIS AND ALL OTHER SECTIONS OF THIS AGREEMENT. NOTHING IN THE PROVISIONS OF THIS “REPRESENTATIONS & WARRANTIES” SECTION SHALL BE CONSTRUED TO LIMIT THE GENERALITY OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH OF THIS SECTION.
For Jurisdictions that do not allow us to limit our liability:Notwithstanding any provision of these Terms, if your jurisdiction has provisions specific to waiver or liability that conflict with the above then our liability is limited to the smallest extent possible by law. Specifically, in those jurisdictions not allowed, we do not disclaim liability for: (a) death or personal injury caused by its negligence or that of any of its officers, employees or agents; or (b) fraudulent misrepresentation; or (c) any liability which it is not lawful to exclude either now or in the future.
IF YOU ARE A RESIDENT OF A JURISDICTION THAT REQUIRES A SPECIFIC STATEMENT REGARDING RELEASE THEN THE FOLLOWING APPLIES. FOR EXAMPLE, CALIFORNIA RESIDENTS MUST, AS A CONDITION OF THIS AGREEMENT, WAIVE THE APPLICABILITY OF CALIFORNIA CIVIL CODE SECTION 1542, WHICH STATES, “A GENERAL RELEASE DOES NOT EXTEND TO CLAIMS WHICH THE CREDITOR DOES NOT KNOW OR SUSPECT TO EXIST IN HIS OR HER FAVOR AT THE TIME OF EXECUTING THE RELEASE, WHICH IF KNOWN BY HIM OR HER MUST HAVE MATERIALLY AFFECTED HIS OR HER SETTLEMENT WITH THE DEBTOR." YOU HEREBY WAIVE THIS SECTION OF THE CALIFORNIA CIVIL CODE. ALSO, WE ARE JEALOUS OF YOU BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA. YOU HEREBY WAIVE ANY SIMILAR PROVISION IN LAW, REGULATION, OR CODE THAT HAS THE SAME INTENT OR EFFECT AS THE AFOREMENTIONED RELEASE.
16. You break it, you bought it
You agree to indemnify and hold us harmless for any claims by you or any third party which may arise from or relate to this Agreement or the provision of our service to you, including any damages caused by your use of our products. Please, don’t use our bra as a slingshot and take someone’s eye out, because we’ll send you the bill that the plaintiff sends us (though we admit no liability to bra-related slingshottery).
You also agree that you have a duty to defend us against such claims and we may require you to pay for an attorney(s) of our choice in such cases. You agree that this indemnity extends to requiring you to pay for our reasonable attorneys’ fees, court costs, and disbursements. In the event of a claim such as one described in this paragraph, we may elect to settle with the party/parties making the claim, and you shall be liable for the damages as though we had proceeded with a trial.
What the above paragraph means is that if you do something really silly, we don’t have to waste time arguing to a judge that you had the right to do it, or ruin our reputation fighting it, if a plaintiff comes after us, and we can just settle and make you pay the bill. Please, use our bras responsibly.
17. William Pen makes the rules
This Agreement shall be governed by the laws in force in the State of (Dracula voice) Pennsylvania. The offer and acceptance of this contract are deemed to have occurred in the State of Pennsylvania.
18. Let's fight
Generally, when people are mad at us, we try to avoid “pistols at dawn.” You agree that any dispute arising from or relating to this Agreement will be heard solely by a court of competent jurisdiction in the State of Pennsylvania. Specifically, where the subject matter of a dispute is eligible for it, you agree that any disputes shall be head solely within the Pennsylvania Small Claims Court.
If a dispute claims multiple claims and one or more of those claims would be eligible to be heard by the Small Claims Court, you agree not to bring the other claims against us and to instead proceed within the Small Claims Court.
If you would be entitled in a dispute to an amount exceeding the monetary jurisdiction of the Small Claims Court, you agree to waive your right to collect any damages in excess of the monetary jurisdiction and instead still bring your claim within the Small Claims Court. At the time of drafting this Agreement, the monetary jurisdiction of the Small Claims Court is $8,000 ($10,000 in Philadelphia because they’re rich or the Liberty Bell’s filled with gold or something).
You agree that if a dispute is eligible to be heard in Small Claims Court but you would be entitled to an additional or alternative remedy in a higher court, such as injunctive relief, you will waive your right to that remedy and still bring the dispute within the Small Claims Court.
We’d really rather you don’t bring a dispute at all, but if you do, don’t try to sue us in some distant land with strange laws like China, Russia, or Utah. If you bring a dispute in a manner other than in accordance with this section, you agree that we may move to have it dismissed, and that you will be responsible for our reasonable attorneys’ fees, court costs, and disbursements in doing so.
You agree that the unsuccessful party in any dispute arising from or relating to this Agreement will be responsible for the reimbursement of the successful party’s reasonable attorneys’ fees, court costs, and disbursements.
19. Force Majeure
You agree that we are not responsible to you for anything that we may otherwise be responsible for, if it is the result of events beyond our control, including, but not limited to, acts of God, war, insurrection, riots, terrorism, crime, labor shortages (including lawful and unlawful strikes), embargoes, postal disruption, zombie attacks, communication disruption, unavailability of payment processors, alien invasions, failure or shortage of infrastructure, shortage of materials, or any other event beyond our control.
In the event that a provision of this Agreement is found to be unlawful (like if the government bans bras), conflicting with another provision of the Agreement, or otherwise unenforceable, the Agreement will remain in force as though it had been entered into without that unenforceable provision being included in it.
If two or more provisions of this Agreement are deemed to conflict with each other’s operation, Helixia Bra shall have the sole right to elect which provision remains in force. We may do this by putting them on rubber ducks and racing them down the stream, though we probably won’t. The point is that we get to decide what stays for any reason we want.
Helixia Bra reserves all rights afforded to us under this Agreement as well as under the provisions of any applicable law. Our non-enforcement of any particular provision or provisions of this Agreement or the any applicable law should not be construed as our waiver of the right to enforce that same provision under the same or different circumstances at any time in the future. What this means is that if we don’t enforce our Agreement against Annie, Bertha shouldn’t think we won’t enforce the Agreement against her, either. Nor should Annie think she can breach the Agreement again in the future and get away with it.
22. Cutting you off
We may terminate your account or access as well as access to our Site and Service to you at our discretion without explanation, though we will strive to provide a timely explanation in most cases. We generally won’t do this except for business or maintenance reasons, or because someone broke the rules or was being reaaallly annoying. If you paid us anything, we’ll either deliver your product still, or give you a refund according to this Agreement, unless you breached this Agreement in which case you agree we can keep the money without delivering the products, though we probably will deliver or provide a refund unless you did something really bad.
23. Ping pong
You may not assign your rights and/or obligations under this Agreement to any other party without our prior written consent. We may assign our rights and/or obligations under this Agreement to any other party at our discretion. We may play ping pong or air hockey with a copy of your obligations and assign them back and forth, though we won’t… but we may... but we won’t. *Shifty eyes*
24. Changing our minds
We may amend this Agreement from time to time. When we amend this Agreement, we will post the changes here and change the “Last Modified” date. If you do not agree to the changes, you must cease using our Site and Service immediately and inform us of your non-agreement with sufficient information to identify your account at email@example.com so that we may disable your account.
25. California people
Pursuant to California Civil Code Section 1789.3, any questions about pricing, complaints, or inquiries about Helixia Bra must be addressed to our agent for notice and sent via certified mail to: Helixia Bra, 410 Kings Mill Rd, Room 107, York, Pennsylvania, 17356, United States.
Lastly, California users are also entitled to the following specific consumer rights notice: The Complaint Assistance Unit of the Division of Consumer Services of the California Department of Consumer Affairs may be contacted in writing at 1625 North Market Blvd., Sacramento, CA 95834, or by telephone at (916) 445-1254 or (800) 952-5210.
Last Modified: December 4, 2012